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As I sat in Starbucks killing time waiting for my shift this afternoon, a high school girl plopped herself into the seat next to me. She was bearing a backpack larger than her torso, and talking loudly to a female friend on her cellphone. (I know she was talking to a girl, because at one point she needed her hands free, and put the call briefly on speakerphone.) In the course of her five-minute conversation, I learned the following things:

• She attends Ingraham High School, which is almost completely filled with losers, although there are a couple cute guys there.
• Her arch enemy is named Theresa. Theresa’s offenses include:
  1. Bragging about her typing speed in computer class.
  2. Wearing the same pair of capri pants more than once in the course of a week; such offense was compounded by the fact that it was cold out, and who wears capri pants when it’s cold? LAME PEOPLE LIKE THERESA, THAT’S WHO!
• Capri pants are SO out.
• She attended Tyrone’s party last weekend, during which an unidentified boy smeared her face with cake.
• She later used her attendance at Tyrone’s (evidently quite exclusive) party to impress people, when she “totally blurted it out” during class.
• Tyrone is hot, but his friend Dave is totally not cute. Which is weird, because Dave’s girlfriend Lisa is really pretty.
• She does not enjoy talking to people who dress poorly. Tyrone dresses well, but his friend Dave soooooo dresses like a loser, and it makes it kind of hard to talk to him, you know? Because he’s wearing those PANTS.
• Ingraham high school’s schedule is: period one, period two, 20 minute break, period three, period four, lunch, period five, period six. No, wait, there’s two 20-minute breaks. One, two, 20, three, 20, four, lunch, five, six. Oh, and there’s a 15-minute break between period five and period six.

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